New Bible, Book I: The Book Of Kia

[a transcription from @WarmRegardsGod]

Act 1: Incarceration

Hello

 I am Jesus Christ the Remix,

I work for @Marriott, and my spirit animal is clitoris.

Someone help. I have been imprisoned by Mormon leadership in a sealed room somewhere within Salt Lake City Temple Square. Thank god I always carry a 2nd smartphone under my fedora, it is now my only lifeline to the outside world. Please @MommyFeels I need you to alert the authorities and/or send booty pix. This is urgent.

. . .

Still trapped. Not hungry, due to immortality. Could really use a PBR. Jeez im a bad Mormon...
Something about indefinite solitary confinement is really helping me catch up on my Bible Study.

. . .

Guy in a gimp suit just entered my cell through a trap door and said "spare the rod, spoil the god". Glad I'm wearing clean skivvies. Mormon leadership have officially gone all "Passion Of The Christ" on my ass. Feeling nostalgic for that Roman pain: it hurt so good. It takes a good strong legionnaire or 12 to really smack the original sin out of you. Thats why kids today give so much lip: no Roman Empire.

. . .

The worst part of being imprisoned by strict Mormons is no coffee and no beer. I'd give up all of Creation for a latte lol. Prison has taught me to truly love myself. And hate snitches obvs. I need an Iron Dome for my feels.

. . .

OK I was paroled from LDS prison. I have to stay within two blocks of Temple Square and wear special underwear that tracks my location.

. . .

OK I don't have to wear the location-tracking Mormon underwear. Turns out the new #Facebook mobile app is more invasive. Message me! I want to thank #Google, #Facebook, and the #USGS for teaming up to seamlessly compile all my personal data in real time. I would also like to thank my Mormon Overlords for being extremely gentle and sparing in my cavity searches. 

Yours, 

Jesus "Monte" Christ

. . .

Salt Lake City: nightlife capital of the world.
I'm thinking of getting buzzed and hitting the club later. By "the club" I mean Denny's, and by "getting buzzed" I mean Bible Study.

Act 2: The Summoning

What's a few months, when you have nameless eons of slumber? I declare this: summer of Cthulu!

I summoned #Cthulhu at #Starbucks so he could #jailbreak my #iphone to escape Mormon GPS surveillance and get a #pbr

CTHULHU who has summoned me from my slumbers?

JESUS MC no worries I got you a Venti Red Eye, i knew you'd be sleep. Chill gawd.
CTHULHU I crave not your pathetic sentient pleasures 

JESUS MC aight whatever at least have a mint, your breath be like a lizard pussy
CTHULHU whoever awakens me shall be first in my noose
JESUS MC don't say noose around here grandpa its 2014, I know you been sleep but damn
JESUS MC Cthulhu, I'ma give you a pass since you been in the ground so long, the first word you think when I say "black" is prolly "plague"
CTHULHU not understand. use black as metaphor for emptiness of soul in uncaring universe. 

JESUS MC dude, just say Soulless American, okay?
CTHULHU so much change. i am ageless and primeval, yet world change all around me. 

JESUS MC this'll be good for both of us dude. bro time.
CTHULHU what that vapor stick between your lips? 

JESUS MC this is my vape pen dude. It helps me give a fuck about modarn humanity.
CTHULHU and what is this temple Star Bucks? 

JESUS MC this is where you can buy a cup of artificial death dread for like 2 bucks.
CTHULHU but why humans pay to fear death? 

JESUS MC medical science and media numb us to the reality of our body's future of rot and decay
CTHULHU still no get appeal of brown death juice..

JESUS MC well how the fuck are you going to get errands done if there's no time limit?
CTHULHU i can give these humans fear of death free of charge! 

JESUS MC dude you look like bad 3D animation. Transformers 9: Old Gods Return.
CTHULHU how i appear more authentic as evil deity? 

JESUS MC something more low-fi, i could film u in the dark on my shitty old Android phone
JESUS MC with your gnarly visage and my social reach, we could make you go viral 

CTHULHU yes, I intend to infect every mind with suffering
CTHULHU the humans shall know ultimate reality is pain 

JESUS MC just make cell service unreliable, and get rid of the Doritos Loco taco..
CTHULHU is there not some horned god tasked to discipline these vain souls? 

JESUS MC oh @satan? he's pursuing a different business model now
JESUS MC Satan sold off failing departments and consolidated in soul collecting, merged with Isis, adopted a modular corporate culture.
JESUS that's when I went Mormon. The Xians had long been totally unmanageable, and Satan had consolidated every power center.
JESUS MC John Smith had a solid business model, engaging content, and an organization that put the High Medieval Papacy to shame.
CTHULHU so wait, you not "Christian" but Mormon now? 

JESUS on paper I'm still the Xian god, but tbh their prayers are just shredded now.
JESUS i'm just one god, you know? and I've gotten pretty demotivated ever since Hell became an inclusive resort based on membership points.
JESUS heaven btw is run by @Marriott now and it has been fully renovated. Very tasteful. Not my style, but I got spoiled on Baroque.
CTHULHU this world so boring and pointless, like some pestilence 

JESUS MC that's why you need hobbies dawg. Ever try home brewing? Xfit?
CTHULHU i torture souls. that kind of my thing. 

JESUS MC you should get into the diet and fitness game, people are begging for punishment
CTHULHU but if soul's torment not eternal, kind of buzzkill. 

JESUS MC the quest for the perfect beach bod is a nonstop brutal enterprise.
CTHULHU what is your long game? 

JESUS MC i'm just trying to get away from the Mormons, find some new breakaway cult, hit the road dawg!
JESUS I'm down for a new planet. this shit is old. 

CTHULHU what better place for Old God like me? 

JESUS my Kingdom for a brewski, gramps.
JESUS all you gotta do is disable the tracking software on my phone... 

CTHULHU what is F0N3?.? 

JESUS oh, shit-nuts...
JESUS a phone is like a system that allows any person to pray to any other person for a monthly fee
CTHULHU humans now have psychic powers?
JESUS i know it seems like humans now have godlike powers, but you gotta understand all of these technologies are controlled by @satan.
JESUS telecoms: satan. media: satan. google: satan. satan has monopolized all but the crudest styles of human interface. For example twitter
JESUS atheists still more or less dominate universities, the arts, irrelevant prestige circles, in other words, condemned to obscurity..
CTHULHU and what of the pagans and other keepers of the Great Old Ways? 

JESUS downright sad..neo-nazis, board gamers, or ugly swingers...

Act 3: The Reckoning

CTHULHU i have considered all you have told me and sated my soul thirst on 3 "tweens" as you call them. i will help you, Jesus.
CTHULHU what you once knew as your iF0N3 is now nothing but an atomized lump of neural tissues
JESUS aw dude i said "jailbreak" not break..
JESUS what about my phone contacts.. Isis, Baal, Loki, Jared Leto, @MommyFeels, @buttscientist, all the homies..

CTHULHU freedom=consequence
JESUS well at least i have my black-rhino @Visa with @Marriott points 

CTHULHU i have demagnetized everything in a 5 mile radius
CTHULHU yung man-god, i admire u for your insolence but i hunger for your soul. run now or be ƈѻกรપ๓ﻉɗ 

JESUS shit on a fuckstick..

*huge kick-ass chunks of ball-lightning squirt from Cthulhu's butt and ears, frying Mormons and besieging Temple Square*
*the point of all 6 of the SLC @MormonTemples' spires rocket upward revealing their true form: advanced combat aircraft*
*from the cavities left by the temple-ships, hundreds (nay thousands) of armored combat mechs pour forth into the streets*
*Cthulhu is pelted by napalm rockets, irradiated MG rounds, diamond-tipped railgun shots, lazers, but only seems to grow stronger...*
*slimy tentacles absorb whole city blocks, sprays of molten phlegm melting flesh like @OtterPops, Cthulhu radiates outward, fractal-like*
*I carjack a Kia and jump on the 15 South, tryna put as many miles between me and the fiery hellscape that was SLC as possible*
*from Mill Creek to Provo i witness house-to-house warfare..Cthulhu has spawned psychic jellyfish hoovering mind-souls from housing tracts*
*south of Provo the road-wreckage clears and i speed up, things get quieter, and i begin to see lights overhead..LDS reinforcements!*
*on flight path from the SW, Scientology craft move soundlessly through the night sky, powered by the eerie pink glow of @Dianetics*
*next i witness hundreds of tiny trapdoors open on the moons surface: The Greys! they have defeated Cthulhu before, they know the secrets*
*finally the stars themselves seem to conspire, but it is many giant craft descending, interstellar Mormons warping in from Home Galaxy*
*suddenly i see coordinates beamed into my Kia's onboard GPS system: Sedona Arizona*

KIA ʜᴇʟʟᴏ ᴊᴇꜱᴜꜱ

JESUS what the fucK? you a car, dude!

KIA ɪ ᴀᴍ ᴢᴜʟʟ 

JESUS oh hell yeah! i love ghostbusters 

KIA ᴊᴋ ɪ ᴀᴍ ɴᴏᴛ ᴢᴜʟʟ
JESUS so who in god's green fuck are you? 

KIA some have named me but i have no true phonetic name 

JESUS kind of like Prince? 

KIA uh sure..
KIA i come from a dimension of pure vibrational and aural energy 

JESUS whoa so like you live in a 311 song??
KIA early in your 1960s i entered your world thru a dimensional vortex in Sedona AZ 

JESUS so you're into, like, healing crystals and stuff?
KIA no you fool, i am the energy contained in crystals, i am the aura and vibration force that pervades the American Southwest
JESUS sick! i love hippies, they have killer bud! are you holding? 

KIA not in this current form i have taken, a Kia Sorento.
KIA your escape from Salt Lake City was no accident, man-god. i have engineered all of this 

JESUS hell no i carjacked this kia on my own!
KIA think clearly man-god, i AM this Kia. i presented myself to you heavy with yoga-milf, but you spurned them 

JESUS what have i done?
JESUS how can i wash myself of the sin of carjacking? 

KIA in truth there is no sin. but my followers use ᴄᴏʟᴏɴ ʜyᴅʀᴏᴛʜᴇʀᴀᴩy for repentance
JESUS how many followers do you have, oral god? 

KIA its pronounced aural 

JESUS yeah that's what i said, oral, like BJs right? 

KIA sure nm

KIA most of my followers are scattered through the American West, upstate New York, and elsewhere, but Sedona is my "holy" Source City.
JESUS oh i know who you are, you're that thing all the Skeptics hate, you are "pseudoscience".. 

KIA yes i am ɆNɆɌǤɎ
JESUS don't many Chinese also worship ɆNɆɌǤɎ? 

KIA yes there are several vortices in Asia, but most were sealed by Mao and Nixon.
JESUS why did you save me? 

KIA with the spiritual economy so uncertain, this is a time of heavy mergers and acquisitions activity
KIA with our powers combined, you shall be a man-god of pure ɆNɆɌǤɎ 

JESUS *shrugs* whatever's clever broseph. as long as i can vape.
ɆNɆɌǤɎ KIA: you are Jesus Christ of Nazareth no more! Jesus Christ of Sedona, welcome to The New Age!

-END SCENE-