What To Drink

Until the legalization movement gets around to something genuinely fun, booze is the safest shortcut to good feelings. This is somewhat paradoxical, because booze is actually pretty dangerous and destructive as these things go, but at least it's manufactured under some fairly exacting standards, and won't land you in the clink. And it tastes delicious: we live in a golden age of good tasting booze. So unless you have some terrible disease that prevents you from drinking, the question of what to drink should be near the top of your mind.

I hew towards beer and whiskey. The wine I drink tends to mostly be either some kind of novelty wine or some dreck I only opened to cook with. Some delicious novelty wines. . .

Schloss Biebrich: how can you not like a wine that reminds you of the wealth of Justin Bieber? This is a five dollar bubbly red wine sold at Trader Joe's. It's quite sweet, but a red is better able to hold that sweetness than a white sparkler. I love drinking this straight out of the fridge, and cold red wine is actually a bit of a theme here. I like my wine like I like my men: sweet, cold, and German.

Port (Tawny, any brand): apparently tawny means "dull yellowish brown" but it's always deep purple. Tawny port is more mellow and less aggressiely raisin-flavored than ruby, so it's worth the extra couple of bucks. The least classy and only good way to drink it straight is with lots of ice cubes. It's also good mixed with some extra dry champagne. One time I finished Bukowski's "Women" and a bottle of port on a Sunday and that was one of the best days on record.

The Purple: my friend Mel always gets this stuff from Fresno, I can't remember the maker. It's even better than port because it tastes (slightly) less syrupy and almost exactly approximates the taste of Welch's grape juice. It's basically classed up bum wine. Again, ice cubes.

I drank no beer for the month of January, kind of a secular lent. It was very hard and I don't think I lost any weight, so I won't be doing that again anytime soon. . . .

Anchor Steam: Hands down the most historically important beer in the US, Anchor Steam has been brewing in San Francisco since 1896 before they even had access to ice. Either Anchor is gonna strike you as a perfectly refreshing beer or it will fill your mouth with a vile funk which tastes like your tongue the morning after not brushing your teeth for a week. I love Anchor because it's pleasantly bitter without tasting like a plant extract (don't get me wrong, I love beers that taste like fresh grapefruit-pine hops too) and kills thirst dead.

Arrogant Bastard: The Van-Halen-solo treble of a malt liquor with massive My-Bloody-Valentine-noise-washes of cavernous hoppy evil. Stone brewing is great and this is deservedly their stalwart.

Leffe Blonde: After a month of no beer, this beer tasted like it should cost $14 for a four pack, but you can usually get it at $7-8 for a six. When you want to go Belgian without needing to go Full Belgian, this is your ticket to Euro-Polyglot Paradise.

Lambic Framboise: The general rule is that the only acceptable fruit to add to beer is cherries, but there is a huge carveout for raspberries only in the case that the beer is theoretically brewed by a monk. This stuff goes down like cream cheese and cake batter.

I've probably been drinking more spirits than anything lately because I can titrate so well. After Mexico, it'll probably be awhile before I drink any tequila. . .

Alepus Mezcal: Mezcal is another beast entirely from tequila. The mezcal buzz has rough, delirious edges and is never the same twice. One time you might get horny, next time you might feel like you are about to float away, then the next one will send you on a crying jag you will never understand. This brand is a good one, I bought a bottle of it for my dad and it seemed heavily stocked at a hipster bar I poked my head in in Oaxaca. Many people describe mezcal as smoky, and it is definitely strong flavored, but my dad and I both think the flavor is more green. Not piney or grassy or herbal but more like a. . .well, a cactus. duh.

Dewar's White Label: more or less indistinguishable from Johnnie Walker Red, this is a workingman's sipping whiskey. Just bought a handle at BevMo for 27 bucks. It's a blended scotch, so it's still pretty limited in terms of mixers but unlike a single malt you don't have to worry about adding too much ice: there's not too much subtle flavor here that might get drowned. This would make a good Rob Roy. And it's also acceptable for Irishing coffee. Very acceptable.

Bulleit Rye: I bought this specifically for Manhattans and it's great. Rye is less sweet than bourbon and this stuff is strong (95 proof) which suits me fine. That's because I like a Manhattan with lots of sweet vermouth (almost 2:1) and a tiny bit of maraschino cherry liquid along with the cherry itself. Or cherries.

Potato Vodka: I don't think there's a huge amount of difference between vodka brands, but I am starting to think potato vodka is better for the main vodka drinks I like: martinis, dirty martinis, and bloody marys. That's because it has kind of a greasy note that goes well with salt and herbal flavors. By the same logic, it is decent for greyhounds and gin and tonic where the bracing flavors of the mixer cut through the grease. But it's not good for fruitier drinks, where you would want something more invisible.

I'll write more of this stuff later. Cheers.